It's My Way Or the Highway, Just Like In 'Nam

Fools better get out of my way. Why, you asks? Because I says so, you crazy Brad Wesley henchman!

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He Who Controls Twitter, Controls Jasper, Missouri

Former Comedian Laureate of Jasper, Missouri, Mike Doe, has gone worldwide with his tomfoolery at http://twitter.com/mikedoe.

Why I Fired Steve for What He Did on His Break?

I am often asked why I fired Steve for fooling around with that young hoochie mama during his break at the Double Deuce. The answer is simple. Whether you're a bartender, a bouncer or a server, you are representing the bar at all times. And screwing around on the job, even during your break, is a major no-no.

If I, Dalton, messed around with every female who wanted to fool around, while at work, I would never get any work done! It would be 8 hours of, er, you know what, each and every day. This is especially true in a town like Jasper, Missouri, where scandalous behavior runs rampant.

So firing Steve was an important management decision. You do the same, if anyone does what Steve did. Trust the Dalton on this one, folks.

I Run the Show Completely or People Die

This assertion is well-established. Either give me the keys to castle, or start counting the bodies pile up.

Fire First, Ask Questions Later

Always fire someone the first day you take control of a bar, right before you give your "it's my way or the highway" speech. It sets a good tone and lets the bad apples let you know that they're on their way out.

Total Control Is the Only Way to Run a Bar

...otherwise the employees start talking back, and that requires beatdowns, which tends to get in the way of the business at hand, which is to keep your hair properly feathered, to attract local hotties, to hook up with doc, to get nostalgic with Wade Garrett, and to thwart the local evil mastermind, Brad Wesley.

Why I Run the Show, Completely

Running a bar ain't easy. At every bar I've ever worked at, there have been 40-year old adolescents, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry.

And they generally carry knives with them too. And they ain't loath to insert said knives in your shoulders. Or to mess up your carefully-feathered hair. And that ain't no joke.